Information for relatives and
friends
This page is meant for the relatives and friends
of patients and should help to make the approach to the patients easier. A serious
illness represents a big challenge even to a long-standing relationship, because
it changes the relations between the people concerned. Feelings and expectations
arise on both sides. Many people experience their new role as partner, parent
or friend of a sick person as difficult. They notice that the usual interaction
with the person who has become ill has changed, and unusual and to some extent
unpleasant feelings and questions arise.
The new situation can perhaps be compared to the beginning of a journey together.
Plans are made for a common route to be taken and something new to be discovered.
This presupposes a readiness for mutual acceptance and a desire to clarify common,
or perhaps opposing, interests. In the case of a summer trip this can easily be
achieved since everything centres on leisure and enjoyment. In the case of a trekking
tour, on the other hand, one soon begins to notice in one's thoughts a little
of the difficulty of coping with fears and possible dangers. In this respect,
people can be very different.
What follows might illuminate the special nature of the encounter between a "healthy"
person and a "sick" one. Every one of us becomes ill from time to time, e.g. with
influenza or whatever. For the time being this can be very unpleasant but one
expects to make a complete recovery. To be seriously ill, on the other hand, means
that the quality of life is impaired over a long period of time and perhaps that
the life expectancy of the person concerned may even be called into question.
Matters of central importance such as long-term plans for living, work or the
capacity to maintain relationships have all to be reconsidered.
Questioning what has happened is a part of life. For a sick person it is difficult,
particularly at the beginning, to accept to become so insecure and vulnerable.
The protection of the own intimate nature and integrity as an important part of
one's personality appears to come under an extraordinary strain. In this context
the undesired visit or questions of a relative can be experienced as rather stressful
or unpleasant.
As relative perhaps you think you can understand all this, although you cannot
know what is going on inside the sick person. You are full of good intentions
and only want the best for the sick one. However, everyday's experience shows
that this can lead to great misunderstandings and disappointments. It may help
to know more about your own role as a relative. As such, you may have very different
interests, which in part are very selfish. In the first instance, you are curious
to have more information, if possible at first hand. You would like to understand
the situation of the sick person and express at all costs your sympathy or your
own feelings of insecurity. Or even learn the opinion of the doctors or like to
give medical advice.
It is possible that you recognise that you have such or similar motives. Perhaps
at this juncture you ask yourself questions. The following sketches of dialogues
try to reflect possible patterns of encounter between a patient and its relatives.
Let us call the patient Sandra, and imagine that we are going to visit
Sandra soon.
- Does Sandra really want me to visit her? I will simply
ask Sandra. Sandra does not want any visits. I tell Sandra that, of
course, I understand. Perhaps would Sandra like to chat on the telephone...
- Would Sandra like to talk to me about her illness?
I ask Sandra whether she would like to. Sandra says no... and has no
doubt her reasons for not wanting to. I do not need to know what they are,
perhaps she will tell me another time...
- May I ask Sandra how she feels? "How are you?" Surely
one can ask that. We will be asked that every day. But do I listen to what
Sandra is telling me? She is sad. I say "you seem downhearted", and
try to show her that I have understood...
- Does Sandra perhaps want to know how I feel and what
I am thinking about? I ask Sandra. At present her thoughts are elsewhere
and her worries quite different. Sandra understands my feeling of insecurity,
but... Yes, I can understand that.
- Have I already told Sandra that I can imagine how
difficult it must be for her as a sick person if everybody is always asking
the same questions? Sandra says that it is a great strain for her but she
understands that...
- Does Sandra expect help from me? Sandra thinks
it is nice that I ask her. At present she does not want anything from me,
perhaps later...
These few dialogue sketches are intended to show you how cautiously one can approach
a sick person. Mutual understanding is achieved by openly identifying feelings
(yours and the sick person�s). You can show that you have registered what has
been said by, for example, repetition of the sick person�s words.
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